Perseverance means “not giving up” or “hanging in there" until you get where you want to go or be. It could be a burdensome task or assignment. In my case, Perseverance means not giving up and being stubborn enough to do the things necessary for my recovery. To keep at it, In my times of hardship, even when everything appears beyond all hope.
Catching up
First off, I want to start by saying sorry... Well actually no, not really. I do wish I was capable of writing about everything sooner. But I recognize that I just needed some time. One of the things I've recently started to learn is that I shouldn't be apologizing. I am doing what I can and that's enough. Since I started with treatment, I've been having trouble with even getting my butt of the couch. The treatment is invasive, a forcible revealing of long repressed memories. Sometimes so painful, sad or downright disgusting. And actively thinking about these memories is very hard. I've started with EMDR treatment and so far It's been helping somewhat. But it will take a lot of time to work out the opened cesspool.
Doing what I can and that's enough!
Even before I started with my treatments, I was prone to self doubt and even the occasional self loathing. The treatments actually sapped most of my strength and energy. That, in turn gave me ample reason to just do nothing. Laying on the couch and just feeling like everything was too much. I heard this was a side effect of the treatments. But I was stuck in it. I still am. I don't think anyone could comprehend how much effort it took for me to just sit down and start. But as my psychologist mentioned. You just have to do it. No-one else will do it for you. You want to get through this, so you have to. On the other hand, she gave me some homework. The thing she said was: " I there anything you could do that you're not already doing to get through this?" My answer was no. Since this all started, I have been doing everything I could to give myself a fighting chance. To help myself get through this and as fast as I could. The thing she said next stuck with me and is one of the reasons I finally got up today and just started. She said" You have been doing all that you can, and that's enough." Today this phrase finally got me off the couch and behind a computer.
Homework...
My psychologist is awesome. The way she gets to the heart of it through the hazy images is amazing. She recently gave me some homework. When feeling down, I needed to remind myself that I am doing what I can and that's enough. She also gave me a hard time about giving in to the melancholy and staying on the couch. She explained I was subconsciously making a choice to give up. That was the kick in the butt I needed. I need to consciously make the choice to keep going and persevere in getting through this. She even gave me a book to read during my upcoming vacation. It's a book by Dr. Edith Eger The Choice. One of the phrases mentioned in that book struck me: “.... when we force our truths and stories into hiding, secrets can become their own trauma, their own prison. Far from diminishing pain, whatever we deny ourselves the opportunity to accept, becomes as inescapable as brick walls and steel bars. When we don't allow ourselves to grieve our losses, wounds and disappointments, we are doomed to keep reliving them.” ― Edith Eva Eger, The Choice: Embrace the Possible
I'm still reading the book, but if you're interested:
Besides the reading and understanding that what I'm doing is enough, I have to exercise for at least 30 minutes daily. Whether that be walking, running, fitness, it doesn't really matter. Just get my body working. It doesn't even have to be high intensity, but according to my psychologist. Exercise helps combat all sorts of things that pop up with a mental illness like depression and the like. Besides that, I started working on some goals and aspirations for the coming weeks. I want to write at least 30 minutes each day. Whether I feel like it or not. I want to exercise for at least 30 minutes every day. I also want to try to give my children at least 30 minutes each of undivided and individual attention. It may not sound like a lot. But for me, that is what I can do right now and that's enough. With this, I have a commitment for at least 2 hours every day. And it will depend on my perseverance to keep this up and get myself through this.
EMDR treatment, what is it?
The official description is as follows: EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences. A structured therapy that encourages the patient to briefly focus on the trauma memory while simultaneously experiencing bilateral stimulation (typically eye movements), which is associated with a reduction in the vividness and emotion associated with the trauma memories.
In my case the treatment entails remembering a certain event from my flashbacks. And the describing that moment to the psychologist. And the images that evoke emotional responses get special attention. I'll be asked to focus on that picture in my mind and the motions connected to it. All the while I will see lights for the rapid eye movements, I'll hear beeps through a headset. I'll be asked to spell words associated with the memories. I'll even be asked to spell the backwards, while experiencing all the above. and after several sessions it helps desentizises some of the images I keep seeing. A typical session usually lasts for an hour. But as you can see, all off the impressions and stimulants are exhausting. That is also why the treatment is so heavy. It takes all of you and it often takes several days to recuperate.
I'll be trying to get some more stories told in the upcoming weeks. The stories I've already written have opened up the dialog with a lot of people. I've even received thanks from people who discovered they were not alone in what they were feeling and experiencing. Being of help to others is one of the reasons I opened my stories to the public. So I will try and write a bit more regular. But first and foremost, this blog is for me. To put my demons and frustrations on paper.... , and if that is too much for me at that time. Then I know I have done what I can and that's enough. If you like my story and want to support me, please help by sharing it. Join me on my facebook channel, or leave a comment below. If you just want to talk feel free to use the contact form and I'll get back to you as soon as possible.
And when I'm done writing this, I'll know I have done what I can today and that's enough.
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