Breaking down at work, not knowing why and then going home and explaining what happened when you dont even know whats going on. After the initial shock things became so much worse.....
After the breakdown I tried going home, but first I had to go to my own precinct. And hope I dont have another breakdown when I get there. No such luck, before I had a chance to take off my uniform, my colleagues obviously saw something was wrong. And even though they were very nice, every time someone asked me: "Is everything alright?" I cracked some more. I still do to this day. I had several more breakdowns before i was able to get on my motorcycle. The first thing that went through my head was: finally peace and quiet, maybe thats all I need and everything will be allright. I couldn't have been more wrong.
While riding I had my first flashback, it struck me like a brick in the head. (And yes i do regrettably know what thats like) I started crying like a toddler before I even hit the freeway. Without going into too much detail. The flashback I saw was of a suïcide where I was one of the first officers on the scene. This young man of about 30-40 years old had hung himself in his own home with his belt.
Out of the blue, this image from several years ago popped in my head and repeated itself over and over. Why? That's what I was thinking, why now, why like this, why this out of all the incidents I experienced. What overcame me was profound sadness that someone could be driven that far to take ones own life.
While driving I managed to clear my head a bit. But as soon as my head cleared, I discovered I was speeding like crazy. While wondering what the hell was wrong with me I managed to get home. Thats when the crazy really hit me...
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