Sometimes a week or even a month passes before the urge to write again comes along. And that's ok. I write because it helps me. I do not write for anyone other than myself. Occasionaly my inspiration is somewhat lacking and I can go a whole month without writing or anything creative on my part. And that's ok too. I do what I can and thats enough!
What's been happening
Well I finally have the feeling that ther is room. Room in my head for other things besides fighting. And I dont mean fighting in the literal sense, but it's still fighting. Even though everyone else might not see the struggle and even think, well he's doing just fine. It's still a daily struggle to get up. Put on a happy face and go through the day. Fighting the urge to just lay on the couch and let it all be. Lately I have searched for ,and found the extent to which I can confront my anxiety, my panic and my flashbacks. I bring my kids to school everyday, even though the sheer amount of parents and screaming kids inside the school terrify me. I struggle through standing in between a horde of parents trying to pick their kids up from school everyday. Taking the kids to their swimming lessons, stuck in a waiting room with way to many parents. And everyday the strain of it all just lessens somewhat. Even if it's just a tiny sliver less. I can feel the progress I'm making. Now it's just a matter of where is the line I dare not cross and how often will I skirt close enough to the line to keep pushing it a bit further away.
Sometimes when I just skirt that line a little bit to often. The backlash hits me like a brick. And I feel like I'm taking three steps back. The flashbacks get worse, my emotions go for a rollercoaster ride. But after the backlash settles I get right back in there and struggle through the next day. Often I'll feel sad and lonely. Sometimes even with my family around. I get depressed and wallow in self-pity and low self-esteem. Guilt often plays a role. I have some exercises but they dont always help to lift my mood. And it takes quite a bit of effort to get out of this mood. Luckily I've got plenty to keep me busy during the days. Now if I could just find the energy and motivation to go and do it, that would be great.
I think the hardest part about all of this, is feeling you're not doing enough. Or you could be doing more. That thought is a hard one to get rid of. It often makes you cross the line and makes you overreach. Sometimes it's just seeing your kids, wanting to be there for them. Just doing normal stuff. Often that is what leads to doing to much. What happens is I end up doing to much, then spiralling down in my emotions and being utterly unavailable for my kids. Ending up worse then I was before and having high and low spikes in my emotions and moods. That makes me unpredictable in the long run. And that unpredictability makes it worse for the kids. That's why I always have to weigh my options. Should I be doing this right now. Is it on the line or is it too much. Will I have some backlash from this and is it worth it to just be here for them right now.
Trying to write when my mind is a jumble is pretty hard. That's why I've been and will probably be erratic in my writing schedule. But sometimes, when I feel like it. And when I feel it helps me. I'll put my thoughts to paper and bore you with the ramblings of person trying to struggle through all of this. Trying to make sense of the mess. And doing the best I can for me and my family.