None of us know wether or not our experiences will come back to haunt us in the future. Even if we did know. Would we let that stop us from helping someone, doing our job or just growing up? We do what we can with what we have at that moment and that's enough. Don't think about what can happen in the future. Just focus on the next 24 hours and do what you can, to get closer to where you want to be.
After experiencing the week and being broken in to many pieces. The last couple of weeks have given me hope. I am constantly working on my exposure. My week has given me some of the tools I need to get a slight semblance of control over my anxiety and the flashbacks. I still experience the flashbacks quite frequently, often about 4-5 times a day. Where I used to be sucked in by the memories, I still see it. Still feel it. Still get sad and mad about it. But I have the feeling I can look at it from a short distance away. And thus distance myself a bit from it. For me the biggest change was knowing why these memories kept popping up. and knowing why crowds made me anxious and caused panic. By understanding, my body was preparing me for the trauma it was expecting after the crowd. I can now keep saying to myself, nothing is going to happen. And of course I still get short of breath when there are a lot of people around me. And I have the occasional panic attack. I still feel I can handle it a bit better. And that gives me the feeling of being in control again. Not being in control makes this all so hard.
Keep working is very easy to say, but much harder to do. Melancholy sets in at the weirdest times. Sometime I just can't get up to do anything. Even just sitting down and writing all this is a struggle. But I know that I have to keep working. If I sit down and let myself go, I'll be taking a ton of steps back. One of the things I have been working on has been a daily to-do list. Making a list of things I need to do and want to do and divide them over the day. Split the day op in three segments. Morning, afternoon and evening. For each segment, I do something I have to do and something I want to do. Something that gives me joy. Some things I have to do include: Grocery shopping, bringing the kids to school, writing and taking the kids to their swimming lessons. Some things I want to do include: Gaming, reading, going out for a walk, just laying in bed and going out on my motorcycle. The main thing is finding balance in things I have to do and things I want to do. So if there are a lot of things I have to do in the morning, I'll do some things I want to do in the afternoon. But just the act of writing everything down, makes it much easier. And the sense of accomplishment when you get to tick of those boxes make the effort of the night before worthwhile. I recently saw a video of Matthew McConaughey. He has a to-do list as well. Granted, his list is a bit longer then mine, but the thought is the same. If you write it down, it can't get stuck in your head.
I've also been asked if I wanted to go back the clinic for another HiTT week. My psychologist says that she feels it could aid me. And honestly 4 weeks later I feel the same. I can see a world of difference from before that week till now.
It's been a short story so far, but is had been a struggle to put my thoughts in writing. I did what I can today and that's enough. And hey, at least I can tick off my box on my to-do list :)
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